Life is ever-changing. I am tripping over all of my thoughts. I am so exhausted lately. From keeping busy planning a wedding I don't agree with. Well it's finally over. My sister threw her fucking life away just to prove to the world that she isn't hurt over her last marriage anymore. 29 years old, and I was her bridesmaid for the second time. It's got my head in a knot. From resent and worry to now just trying to take care of my own life.
I actually had a good time at the wedding. Since I left Shauna I have completely changed and everyone in my family can see that. They all also adore Matt, which definitely helps but I know it isn't about him. It's about me. Yes, he treats me fucking amazingly but it's me who's learned I deserve that. It is me who will leave him if he hurts me. It is me who is happy. He has helped tremendously, more than he will ever know, more than I could ever explain. But it was my decision to allow myself to feel this way and it is my decision to keep myself this way.
It feels so good to be close to my family again. I now have a relationship with my stepfather, I actually get invited to family functions, I wrote my Father a poem expressing how important he is to me; the first thing I've been proud of writing in years. All of these things inside of me were so well masked by something I can't even explain. This soul, this heart, I never even noticed it.
I am overwhelmed by so much, living situations, school, my Father, my Sister's new doomed life. It's getting to me especially today. I just still feel this hope. Like, if I've come this far, imagine how much further I can go even still. Every bad thing just makes me that much more determined. I feel like my life has finally begun, although it's stressful and I'm scared. I know I can do this.
"I'm not in the best shape that I've ever been but I know where I'm going and it ain't where I've been" - Ani DiFranco