So far, this week sucks.
This weekend I got a text from a good friend, and ex-love, Rachel. I was a little intoxicated. The conversation was.. odd. Turns out I'm as important to her as she is to me. Which makes me happy.. I guess. Anyway, we talked pretty much all night and have been talking every day since. Now here's the hitch, this girl joined the Army about two and a half years ago and I haven't seen her since then. The place has been tearing her down but she still enjoys it most of the time. When she decided she was going to join I began distancing myself from her. Anyway, yesterday, she finds out she is most likely going to be sent to Afghanistan by Winter.
I don't know how I feel. She asked her to send me something I had written lately because she enjoyed reading it. So I sent her a couple poems. One I wrote for Matt the other night- thought it would be good to put out there in our rekindling relationship just how serious he is to me. And then a poemish thing I co-wrote with my friend, Corey the other night. Anyway, I decided I want to write something for her. And I'm having a surprisingly hard time keeping it from turning romantic. I can't really figure out why.
So, yesterday Matt texts me and pretty much says he cannot stop thinking about his ex-girlfriend and is having a really hard time with it. It was her birthday and he got his car back that he had a really horrible memory with her in. And I thought, wow, you must trust me to talk to me about this kind of thing. And I comforted him and told him I was really proud of him for finally letting her go, since he hasn't been with this girl for three years I believe and is just starting to fall out of love with her. And I am proud of him. I want to help him through this and I know that I will. I go weeks without thinking of Shauna or Megan and then there will be a random day that I think of one of them nonstop. It's fucking horrible. And I want so badly to protect him from it.
I guess I'm still nervous though. Nervous that maybe I don't compare to this girl. When I know I do. Nervous that we're both having old loves walk into our life at the same time, which might make it more hard than if it were just one.
I know a lot of it stems from the depression. He's gotten so much better since we've been together. He seems like almost a different person and it makes me so happy. I know he still isn't happy all the time, I know he still has all his demons. I completely understand that. But when he just feels "depressed" in general it really scares me. I know it stems from Shauna. When she was more down than usual it meant one of two things. I was going to be mentally and verbally abused until she felt better, days, weeks and ultimately months before I left her. Or she was going to start finding someone else to spend time with who would make her feel better about herself since I never could.
I know it's unfair to use these things in my relationship with him. It's just what I'm used to. And as Carrie would say, at least I can recognize that. So I won't beat myself up over it. I will just pray that I'm strong enough to keep this phase he's going through and the phase I am going through from messing with my head and pushing me down into a pool of insecurities. I really don't feel like I can afford to go through that right now.