I've come to a pretty insane amount of realizations over the past week or so. I feel I should probably write some of it down so I can remember.
The first, and probably most important one has to do with drinking. I have decided it is something I need to cut out of my life. This isn't because I have a problem with drinking, I just have realized that I really want to become the strong person that I know I can be. When I drink it makes me more weak and vulnerable. It's really an insanely long story but I don't feel like writing it all. I feel this is going to be a really great change for me and I am excited about it. Because this isn't because of a problem I have with drinking I obviously am going to have exceptions to this rule. But I'll figure them out as they come.
I also realized something else. Something fucking huge that I am really disappointed in myself for not seeing sooner. For a long time I have been aware of my flaws, I don't like getting really trashed, I am not much for going to the club, for dancing unless I'm at a concert, I'm shy, I don't make friends easily or quickly... etc. Well it turns out, those aren't my flaws at all. Those are the things Shauna didn't like about me. And, I know, I know. Duh Jacki! But there's nothing wrong with me. I know Shauna was harsh on me about things. But it really just occurred to me this week that all those things that I am always trying to counteract don't need to be counteracted at all. It's fine that I am a quiet person. It's fine that I'm not a big drinker. All of these things are so far warped into my head that I didn't even realize they weren't my own insecurities. They were put there, in efforts to change me.
Bullshit. But now I know and that's sweet :)
I've been making a lot of smiley faces lately. I like it. Mucho.
I'm getting really good at Lucid dreaming. Unless I take these sleeping pills Matt gave me. But that's a whole other story.
We had a good weekend, as usual.
I figured out what I'm getting him for his birthday and I'm really insanely excited about it. It's going to end up making me have to lie to him several times between now and then. Not like, stupid little lies but the kind I'll actually feel bad about. Cause I'm crazy.
I had the most horrible panic attack of my life last week too because I had to keep something from him for like twelve hours. I'm really ridiculous. I know he enjoys knowing that though. Even if he won't admit it.
We got into an "argument". The first one where we both actually got pissy anyway. It was fucking adorable. I was mad at the time sure and so was he. I was like yelling/groaning into the pillow and he got up, went out in the hallway and screamed, then came back in and laid down. Then he just grabbed my face, kissed me and apologized. So I apologized. Then we talked for like ten minutes, giggled, and fell asleep and woke up to a brand new beautiful day in the morning.
I feel like fighting is important. Not doing it, but how you do it. And that was pretty much that much more proof that we mesh well.
It made me happy.
As most things do these days.
I get to block Shauna's number in a couple days and I am reallllllllly excited for it. I know he is too.
And Cam, and Tabitha and my sister.
Hah.
Anyway, moral of the story.
I have become a really happy person. I am optimistic for myself, for Matt, for life in general. Things are getting better. I'm not always so patient and I know this has really been a slow process but sometimes that just makes things even better. Would I look at him the way I do if I didn't have to block out his face for years beforehand? That was another huge moment. We woke up really early and couldn't sleep this morning so we got high and ya know... morning stuff.. but then he fell asleep before I did and I just watched him. I felt like a fuckin creep honestly. But it was the most beautiful image I have ever seen. I know that I love him, I know how incredibly important he is to me. I know the passion I have for him. But at moments like those, when I see him peaceful, happy and it almost brings tears to my eyes... I just know that everything is going to be okay. How could it not be?
Well, this romantic loser is going to bed now.
: )