As it turns out, I am a goddamn mess.
I felt like everything was beginning to work out, I started writing again, let go of the fear that controls me. Then out of nowhere, a dissociative phase strikes me while I'm not paying attention. It's only been two days. I'm hoping it will past, I'm hoping I will survive. I'm hoping I will not fuck up everything I hold dear while my heart refuses to beat for anyone.
Tonight I hung out with Matt. He gave me superficial smiles and artificial laughs of course. Sometimes I am afraid he sees more in my eyes than is actually there but I'm doing a pretty good job at shutting up the voices telling me that. A combination of his own demons aka the girl who keeps me from having all of him and my distance wore on him. His eyes just glazed. He couldn't even fake a smile. Then I felt. I wasn't prepared for it. He had been trying so hard, to grab me, kiss me passionately, even holding my face. Doing everything only he knows how to do. It didn't work. I felt more guilt than I could bare for not feeling him. But I couldn't avoid his pain. It's a nice reminder, I suppose, to know what we're doing is real. To be in that state and have anything affect me, impossible. He just keeps proving me wrong about things day after day. I honestly don't know how I would have survived all the recent attacks on my life and my heart without him. Yes, I'm passionately in love with him. It's more than that. I've never had the connection I have with him. Before our sexual or romantic relationship began, I have always felt safe with him. More than that, I have never been able to fight the urge to keep him safe as well. Now that I'm in a better position to do so, I feel like I'm cracking under the pressure. I don't want to let him down. I fear I will everyday. I'm not the person I was six months ago. The love is coming easy. Even the trust has fallen into place 100%, though I'm hesitant to express that to him. It's there. Nothing else is coming easy though, not the ability to open myself to him, not the ability to care for him, not this whole fidelity thing. But seeing pain in his eyes tonight was all I needed to keep myself on track. I will never allow anyone to cause those eyes and I will never, ever be the cause of them. He means more to me than that. I refuse, plain and simple.
Anywho, I didn't even plan on talking much about him. Funny how that works.
I feel like I am in the first place in my life where I fit in. For the past several years I cut myself off from things that weren't convenient for the people closest to me. I'm having more fun that I have had in a long time. I feel like it's really the perfect balance, once Fall starts it will be anyway. With the strong ties and true friends like Cam, an amazing person that I can love with and grow with and a group of people that I'm strangely confident and outgoing around. I feel very lucky.
Now to hold onto all this, the hard part.