Insecurity is a crazy thing. It truly brings out the worst in people and so far, I have found no way to rationalize this. It's a borderline addiction. As confident as I am, as sure as I am, there always comes times when I retreat back to my old mind. These are the oldest thoughts I still struggle with. I become obsessed with my deepest fears and focus on every little thing that could cause those fears to come true, thus giving them even more power. I have no reason to be scared, I am safer than I have ever been. It is I who is infamous for growing tired and growing apart. As much as I say these things, they don't even put a dent in my insecurities. I haven't been this girl in a long time, in years. I don't know what's causing it. I know it isn't a gut feeling, I know it's the depression. But where did it come from? I've been so happy, I've grown so much, I've come so far from that comatose state. I feel like I'm falling back.
I'm 95% sure it's just the medicine. God, I hope it is.
But then, even that rationality, even pushing the blame on hormones isn't going to help. I guess it's just a battle. Do I choose mental health or physical health?
The way my mind works honestly shames me sometimes. I find myself thinking of Shauna so much more the past couple weeks. Not out of missing her, but because thinking of her, allowing that pain to drown me feels so much easier. It also makes me feel like I'm not giving Matt my all and so when he slaughters me, which he inevitably will, I will be able to tell myself, on lonely nights you thought of her. I will feel better somehow.
It's disgusting. The way I give myself to people while setting up my mind to heal quickly when it ends. It's not really giving yourself away. I have a serious problem with love. It is so easy for me to detach myself. When I am not around Matt, I think of him a lot, I miss him most every night and I love him, of course. But the second these insecurities get to me, the second the loneliness becomes too much to bare, I just shut off. I detach myself from the notion of him. I can't force myself to believe I'm not in love with him, I just downplay the emotions so much. I numb myself to our relationship. The second I am back in his arms I am fully there, but in the mean time, it's just too hard to give yourself to someone when you feel they aren't yours.
What a stupid fucking thought.
I am literally the luckiest girl in the world. He says and does all the things I need to hear and feel and I still am scared. But then, he also confessed to me that he is on his toes trying to be perfect all the time so I can't forget him. So are all the things he says and does really him? Or is he still just trying to make me fall in love with him?
It's ironic how quickly relationships become complicated. I suppose we are all just cowards, terrified of what happens when we let someone in.
I remember the first time I laid eyes on him. I remember the first time I actually met him. I remember lying in his arms for the first time two summers ago in Kayti's bed, I remember exactly what he was wearing. I remember exactly where my hands laid and exactly where his lips touched my forehead. I remember the first night I kissed him, the way he was brushing my skin like he did countless other nights. I remember the pure ecstasy in finally being able to give in to his subtle advances. I remember everything.
I know this is as real as it can be for me, I know the things I've felt, I know they simply do not compare. I've been in love. I've fallen hard. I've fallen flat on my face and I've dropped people on theirs. I've just never had this.
I know my biggest fear is that for me, this is as good as it gets. That he is someone I will be in love with for the rest of my life. And that for him, I am just a stepping stone, toward someone better in the future, or someone better even from the past. That for me, this is the real thing and for him, it's not what he's making it out to be.
I want so badly to be in his head, to sooth his fears and his insecurities. But I honestly wish he never told me that he was trying to be perfect. I know I'm taking it out of context, out of hand. I just want him to feel the way he does without trying. I could care less about his words or actions as long as he isn't bad to me.
Uh. What a long, spacey rant. That didn't even make me feel a little bit better.