As it turns out, I am a goddamn mess.
I felt like everything was beginning to work out, I started writing again, let go of the fear that controls me. Then out of nowhere, a dissociative phase strikes me while I'm not paying attention. It's only been two days. I'm hoping it will past, I'm hoping I will survive. I'm hoping I will not fuck up everything I hold dear while my heart refuses to beat for anyone.
Tonight I hung out with Matt. He gave me superficial smiles and artificial laughs of course. Sometimes I am afraid he sees more in my eyes than is actually there but I'm doing a pretty good job at shutting up the voices telling me that. A combination of his own demons aka the girl who keeps me from having all of him and my distance wore on him. His eyes just glazed. He couldn't even fake a smile. Then I felt. I wasn't prepared for it. He had been trying so hard, to grab me, kiss me passionately, even holding my face. Doing everything only he knows how to do. It didn't work. I felt more guilt than I could bare for not feeling him. But I couldn't avoid his pain. It's a nice reminder, I suppose, to know what we're doing is real. To be in that state and have anything affect me, impossible. He just keeps proving me wrong about things day after day. I honestly don't know how I would have survived all the recent attacks on my life and my heart without him. Yes, I'm passionately in love with him. It's more than that. I've never had the connection I have with him. Before our sexual or romantic relationship began, I have always felt safe with him. More than that, I have never been able to fight the urge to keep him safe as well. Now that I'm in a better position to do so, I feel like I'm cracking under the pressure. I don't want to let him down. I fear I will everyday. I'm not the person I was six months ago. The love is coming easy. Even the trust has fallen into place 100%, though I'm hesitant to express that to him. It's there. Nothing else is coming easy though, not the ability to open myself to him, not the ability to care for him, not this whole fidelity thing. But seeing pain in his eyes tonight was all I needed to keep myself on track. I will never allow anyone to cause those eyes and I will never, ever be the cause of them. He means more to me than that. I refuse, plain and simple.
Anywho, I didn't even plan on talking much about him. Funny how that works.
I feel like I am in the first place in my life where I fit in. For the past several years I cut myself off from things that weren't convenient for the people closest to me. I'm having more fun that I have had in a long time. I feel like it's really the perfect balance, once Fall starts it will be anyway. With the strong ties and true friends like Cam, an amazing person that I can love with and grow with and a group of people that I'm strangely confident and outgoing around. I feel very lucky.
Now to hold onto all this, the hard part.

Every day we grow closer
It becomes more clear
The me that you love
Is not the me you hold dear
The silhouette develops
Of the misplaced lies
You trust will keep me
You trust I won't mind
We have mistaken each other
We have misunderstood love
Believing this was something more
It never could have been enough
I tried to mold you
Shape you for my own
I didn't realize what I was doing
You could have stopped me ya know
I guess you wanted to be mine
As I wanted to be yours
But at the end of the day
Who is it that we are fighting for?

This is cross posted off my myspace.
But I had a night of nonstop writing last night and it seems wrong to keep it to myself.

My feet follow one in front of the other, though it doesn't feel a thing like walking, for walking implies a movement of some sort. This city doesn't allow progress. On every corner I see a piece of myself, a memory that hides deep in the crevices of my mind. I witness the ugliness and I welcome it, it consumes me. We all know the curse of the familiar, the solace pain gives. Tonight, it is mine. I dwell on the aspects of me I find most hideous, I create monsters of myself in my head to make excuses for my unforgivable flaws. I hold still as I wait for any positive emotion to leave my body. I take the pills to slow my heart and feel it all slipping away. I fear nothing. I stare death in the face, I don't flinch. I welcome it to willingly. Willingly enough to shake me when sobriety hits me in the morning. The stars don't even feel honest anymore. I don't trust a goddamn thing but them, and now even that's too much. The leaves blowing in the wind strangely resemble the laughter of my demons, mocking me. They're under my skin again and they know it. I feel them crawling there, under my scars, it takes a stiff drink to feel any touch on top of them. They're impressive. They caress his favorite spots, with such dignity for acts so harshly impure. I am a monster, hiding under a pretty smile and brilliant eyes. I want to tear open my chest. I want the blade but one slice could never suffice, not tonight. Not one limb or even one body. So I'll take the rest of my pills and hope my weak heart makes it through tonight, and perhaps some healing could take place in my dreams. For if it doesn't, I shall not fear tomorrow night either. I'd rather not die just yet, but I need a reason to live. I just want to wake up without hating my eyes for allowing me to see, or loathing my lungs for allowing me to breathe. I want to erase everything that has happened before today. I want a clean slate. Every smile and every tear torments me so, I stay awake all night just to prove I can make it on my own. Just to scream, you can't kill me yet. What good is this life when I'm constantly hiding, aching, bleeding? Where is the purpose here? I feel it, I know it, I fake such beautiful smiles every day. I lie through my teeth and everyone falls for it. Like I just changed over night, like I have seen some nonexistent light. It disgusts me with them, for believing such blatant falsehoods, but more so with myself for being able to wear this mask so convincingly.

I cannot believe
In a world
That allowed you to leave
Me
Defenseless
Unprotected
Vulnerable
They chewed me up
Spit me out
Like the wretched whore
They all loved
But You
Where are you?
It cannot be
The man who saw more
So easy
Abandoning me
I cannot breathe
Instead I bleed
It doesn't matter
You'd be
So disgusted
With what has become of
Me
You're not here
You left me alone
I keep wandering
Stumbling
Never finding my home
You took it along
When the sky lifted you up
If I die tonight
Can I return to your arms?
The only place
I have ever belonged



I think your beauty may just derive
From all your heart refuses to see
Your demons cripple you
Making it so easy to use you
My eyes, they lie
Oh, Don't be so arrogant my love
Not even my careless deceit
Will ever be for you alone
Of course, I do feel love
But haven't you heard?
That has never been enough
Though I do find it quite precious
You think it could be valid
This time around, with you and me
Strong as you are you'll never change me
Your infatuation blinds you from seeing
This wickedness that has been breeding
In this haunted heart so long
You're so desperate
From lovers come and passed
You won't even see it coming..
When I leave you broken on the floor
I may shed a tear
Even in spite you still won't see
These tears could only ever be
Out of hatred
For this imprisoned soul could never feel anything more
I'll thrive on your kisses, your embrace, admiration
Until one day.. I'll stop
Then I'll thrive on your torment
For when I abandon your side
It's all you will have forsaken
I'll hate you
Ya know, I expect I already do
For not being strong enough
To keep me in one goddamn place
But until then..
I give you hope
I give you my dreams
Until you prove no better than the rest
Then I'll destroy you
And lick my lips doing so
The only truth I've ever told
.. Maybe



When we make Art of any kind, it is merely an embellishment of the tiniest human emotions. It is not a coincidence that Photographers see all this beauty everywhere, they don't, they just capture it better than the rest of it. It is not a coincidence that Musicians fall so passionately in love, they don't, they just express that key emotion in a whole slew of ordinary relationships. It is not a coincidence Writers are the saddest, most passionate people you will ever know. They have a drug called language that they mold to fit their needs at the time. As we all do to everything around us. There is no beauty in Art. There is simply a weak, human desire to make more out of the emptiness of our pitiful day to day.
So if I can fall in love and write something beautiful about it, the pain surrounding every embrace and every kiss will fade away when it is written or read. I can be vindictive and write something about having no soul to speak of and suddenly it's beautiful and courageous, it's Art. Well it isn't.
Art lies in the few moments that come between all the torment that fills this utterly pointless life. Art is when the rare times consume us that we feel no pressure to create Art. Art comes from the lack of Art.
Art is fiction. So are we.

This is me at my darkest. These thoughts do not represent my philosophies on life in any way. This is me at my most cynical. But it's still a piece of me. I dare you to give a fuck.

I have done an insane amount of soul searching in recent months. Just about everything in my life that could have changed has. Over the past few weeks I feel I have finally gotten out of this slump and have been writing daily so I feel confident writing in this blog again.
The hardest thing to do when you're digging into yourself is looking at the ugliness. I have no problem working through the things I like about myself and I'm an oddly confident girl which makes this task easy. It's the things I don't even admit to myself that stop me in my tracks. I'm over that. I truly am. I'm disgusted with how much time I've already wasted in this life and I'm not going to hand one more minute of my time over to fear or uncertainty.
"There is nothing I know except this lifetime's one moment and wishing will just leave me empty."

Walk with me
Down to the river
We'll pretend we're not strangers
Not strangers
To even this city
Pretend I didn't lose you
So many years ago
Like these sidewalks
Are virgins
To the dripping of my blood
And these city lights
Never have seen your face
I have
I remember your arms
I remember your eyes
Have they met
With such passion
Such heat
Since mine
Three summers past?
Walk with me
Down to the river
Pretend I didn't leave
Pretend
I took the chance
I called you mine
Lay with me
Crawl under these distant stars
Hold my hand
Call them ours