Life is ever-changing. I am tripping over all of my thoughts. I am so exhausted lately. From keeping busy planning a wedding I don't agree with. Well it's finally over. My sister threw her fucking life away just to prove to the world that she isn't hurt over her last marriage anymore. 29 years old, and I was her bridesmaid for the second time. It's got my head in a knot. From resent and worry to now just trying to take care of my own life.
I actually had a good time at the wedding. Since I left Shauna I have completely changed and everyone in my family can see that. They all also adore Matt, which definitely helps but I know it isn't about him. It's about me. Yes, he treats me fucking amazingly but it's me who's learned I deserve that. It is me who will leave him if he hurts me. It is me who is happy. He has helped tremendously, more than he will ever know, more than I could ever explain. But it was my decision to allow myself to feel this way and it is my decision to keep myself this way.
It feels so good to be close to my family again. I now have a relationship with my stepfather, I actually get invited to family functions, I wrote my Father a poem expressing how important he is to me; the first thing I've been proud of writing in years. All of these things inside of me were so well masked by something I can't even explain. This soul, this heart, I never even noticed it.
I am overwhelmed by so much, living situations, school, my Father, my Sister's new doomed life. It's getting to me especially today. I just still feel this hope. Like, if I've come this far, imagine how much further I can go even still. Every bad thing just makes me that much more determined. I feel like my life has finally begun, although it's stressful and I'm scared. I know I can do this.
"I'm not in the best shape that I've ever been but I know where I'm going and it ain't where I've been" - Ani DiFranco

I don't feel like I am strong enough for this. I don't know if I can help him. If I can pick him back up. He was doing so well. Is this just going to be a phase or has he fallen again? Will he feel better in a few days or weeks or ever? I'm terrified. Terrified I can't make him feel better. Terrified that if when I'm with him I feel that distance I feel now, I will run. I don't want to run. I want him. I want to be safe.
That cuntwhore taught me more than anything else that when the person I love is down, I will suffer. That if I can't help them, I will be hurt because of it.
He isn't like that.
God.. I already want to run. I already want to run to someone else.
The problem, I have that someone in mind. I can handle that. But if he pushes me? I will stay. My body will stay. But I know by now.. if I don't do this so fucking carefully.. my heart will soon wander.
I am a self-destructive, worthless, weak whore.
I don't want to be this anymore.

So far, this week sucks.
This weekend I got a text from a good friend, and ex-love, Rachel. I was a little intoxicated. The conversation was.. odd. Turns out I'm as important to her as she is to me. Which makes me happy.. I guess. Anyway, we talked pretty much all night and have been talking every day since. Now here's the hitch, this girl joined the Army about two and a half years ago and I haven't seen her since then. The place has been tearing her down but she still enjoys it most of the time. When she decided she was going to join I began distancing myself from her. Anyway, yesterday, she finds out she is most likely going to be sent to Afghanistan by Winter.
I don't know how I feel. She asked her to send me something I had written lately because she enjoyed reading it. So I sent her a couple poems. One I wrote for Matt the other night- thought it would be good to put out there in our rekindling relationship just how serious he is to me. And then a poemish thing I co-wrote with my friend, Corey the other night. Anyway, I decided I want to write something for her. And I'm having a surprisingly hard time keeping it from turning romantic. I can't really figure out why.
So, yesterday Matt texts me and pretty much says he cannot stop thinking about his ex-girlfriend and is having a really hard time with it. It was her birthday and he got his car back that he had a really horrible memory with her in. And I thought, wow, you must trust me to talk to me about this kind of thing. And I comforted him and told him I was really proud of him for finally letting her go, since he hasn't been with this girl for three years I believe and is just starting to fall out of love with her. And I am proud of him. I want to help him through this and I know that I will. I go weeks without thinking of Shauna or Megan and then there will be a random day that I think of one of them nonstop. It's fucking horrible. And I want so badly to protect him from it.
I guess I'm still nervous though. Nervous that maybe I don't compare to this girl. When I know I do. Nervous that we're both having old loves walk into our life at the same time, which might make it more hard than if it were just one.
I know a lot of it stems from the depression. He's gotten so much better since we've been together. He seems like almost a different person and it makes me so happy. I know he still isn't happy all the time, I know he still has all his demons. I completely understand that. But when he just feels "depressed" in general it really scares me. I know it stems from Shauna. When she was more down than usual it meant one of two things. I was going to be mentally and verbally abused until she felt better, days, weeks and ultimately months before I left her. Or she was going to start finding someone else to spend time with who would make her feel better about herself since I never could.
I know it's unfair to use these things in my relationship with him. It's just what I'm used to. And as Carrie would say, at least I can recognize that. So I won't beat myself up over it. I will just pray that I'm strong enough to keep this phase he's going through and the phase I am going through from messing with my head and pushing me down into a pool of insecurities. I really don't feel like I can afford to go through that right now.

I've come to a pretty insane amount of realizations over the past week or so. I feel I should probably write some of it down so I can remember.
The first, and probably most important one has to do with drinking. I have decided it is something I need to cut out of my life. This isn't because I have a problem with drinking, I just have realized that I really want to become the strong person that I know I can be. When I drink it makes me more weak and vulnerable. It's really an insanely long story but I don't feel like writing it all. I feel this is going to be a really great change for me and I am excited about it. Because this isn't because of a problem I have with drinking I obviously am going to have exceptions to this rule. But I'll figure them out as they come.
I also realized something else. Something fucking huge that I am really disappointed in myself for not seeing sooner. For a long time I have been aware of my flaws, I don't like getting really trashed, I am not much for going to the club, for dancing unless I'm at a concert, I'm shy, I don't make friends easily or quickly... etc. Well it turns out, those aren't my flaws at all. Those are the things Shauna didn't like about me. And, I know, I know. Duh Jacki! But there's nothing wrong with me. I know Shauna was harsh on me about things. But it really just occurred to me this week that all those things that I am always trying to counteract don't need to be counteracted at all. It's fine that I am a quiet person. It's fine that I'm not a big drinker. All of these things are so far warped into my head that I didn't even realize they weren't my own insecurities. They were put there, in efforts to change me.
Bullshit. But now I know and that's sweet :)
I've been making a lot of smiley faces lately. I like it. Mucho.
I'm getting really good at Lucid dreaming. Unless I take these sleeping pills Matt gave me. But that's a whole other story.
We had a good weekend, as usual.
I figured out what I'm getting him for his birthday and I'm really insanely excited about it. It's going to end up making me have to lie to him several times between now and then. Not like, stupid little lies but the kind I'll actually feel bad about. Cause I'm crazy.
I had the most horrible panic attack of my life last week too because I had to keep something from him for like twelve hours. I'm really ridiculous. I know he enjoys knowing that though. Even if he won't admit it.
We got into an "argument". The first one where we both actually got pissy anyway. It was fucking adorable. I was mad at the time sure and so was he. I was like yelling/groaning into the pillow and he got up, went out in the hallway and screamed, then came back in and laid down. Then he just grabbed my face, kissed me and apologized. So I apologized. Then we talked for like ten minutes, giggled, and fell asleep and woke up to a brand new beautiful day in the morning.
I feel like fighting is important. Not doing it, but how you do it. And that was pretty much that much more proof that we mesh well.
It made me happy.
As most things do these days.
I get to block Shauna's number in a couple days and I am reallllllllly excited for it. I know he is too.
And Cam, and Tabitha and my sister.
Hah.
Anyway, moral of the story.
I have become a really happy person. I am optimistic for myself, for Matt, for life in general. Things are getting better. I'm not always so patient and I know this has really been a slow process but sometimes that just makes things even better. Would I look at him the way I do if I didn't have to block out his face for years beforehand? That was another huge moment. We woke up really early and couldn't sleep this morning so we got high and ya know... morning stuff.. but then he fell asleep before I did and I just watched him. I felt like a fuckin creep honestly. But it was the most beautiful image I have ever seen. I know that I love him, I know how incredibly important he is to me. I know the passion I have for him. But at moments like those, when I see him peaceful, happy and it almost brings tears to my eyes... I just know that everything is going to be okay. How could it not be?
Well, this romantic loser is going to bed now.
: )

Insecurity is a crazy thing. It truly brings out the worst in people and so far, I have found no way to rationalize this. It's a borderline addiction. As confident as I am, as sure as I am, there always comes times when I retreat back to my old mind. These are the oldest thoughts I still struggle with. I become obsessed with my deepest fears and focus on every little thing that could cause those fears to come true, thus giving them even more power. I have no reason to be scared, I am safer than I have ever been. It is I who is infamous for growing tired and growing apart. As much as I say these things, they don't even put a dent in my insecurities. I haven't been this girl in a long time, in years. I don't know what's causing it. I know it isn't a gut feeling, I know it's the depression. But where did it come from? I've been so happy, I've grown so much, I've come so far from that comatose state. I feel like I'm falling back.
I'm 95% sure it's just the medicine. God, I hope it is.
But then, even that rationality, even pushing the blame on hormones isn't going to help. I guess it's just a battle. Do I choose mental health or physical health?
The way my mind works honestly shames me sometimes. I find myself thinking of Shauna so much more the past couple weeks. Not out of missing her, but because thinking of her, allowing that pain to drown me feels so much easier. It also makes me feel like I'm not giving Matt my all and so when he slaughters me, which he inevitably will, I will be able to tell myself, on lonely nights you thought of her. I will feel better somehow.
It's disgusting. The way I give myself to people while setting up my mind to heal quickly when it ends. It's not really giving yourself away. I have a serious problem with love. It is so easy for me to detach myself. When I am not around Matt, I think of him a lot, I miss him most every night and I love him, of course. But the second these insecurities get to me, the second the loneliness becomes too much to bare, I just shut off. I detach myself from the notion of him. I can't force myself to believe I'm not in love with him, I just downplay the emotions so much. I numb myself to our relationship. The second I am back in his arms I am fully there, but in the mean time, it's just too hard to give yourself to someone when you feel they aren't yours.
What a stupid fucking thought.
I am literally the luckiest girl in the world. He says and does all the things I need to hear and feel and I still am scared. But then, he also confessed to me that he is on his toes trying to be perfect all the time so I can't forget him. So are all the things he says and does really him? Or is he still just trying to make me fall in love with him?
It's ironic how quickly relationships become complicated. I suppose we are all just cowards, terrified of what happens when we let someone in.
I remember the first time I laid eyes on him. I remember the first time I actually met him. I remember lying in his arms for the first time two summers ago in Kayti's bed, I remember exactly what he was wearing. I remember exactly where my hands laid and exactly where his lips touched my forehead. I remember the first night I kissed him, the way he was brushing my skin like he did countless other nights. I remember the pure ecstasy in finally being able to give in to his subtle advances. I remember everything.
I know this is as real as it can be for me, I know the things I've felt, I know they simply do not compare. I've been in love. I've fallen hard. I've fallen flat on my face and I've dropped people on theirs. I've just never had this.
I know my biggest fear is that for me, this is as good as it gets. That he is someone I will be in love with for the rest of my life. And that for him, I am just a stepping stone, toward someone better in the future, or someone better even from the past. That for me, this is the real thing and for him, it's not what he's making it out to be.
I want so badly to be in his head, to sooth his fears and his insecurities. But I honestly wish he never told me that he was trying to be perfect. I know I'm taking it out of context, out of hand. I just want him to feel the way he does without trying. I could care less about his words or actions as long as he isn't bad to me.
Uh. What a long, spacey rant. That didn't even make me feel a little bit better.